My life is not exciting but I love it. I'm just shy of 30. I have a wonderful partner and a fab child who's almost 3 and they are both the light in my life. I have a job until next year, am saving for a wedding, a business of my own and a flight to New Zealand.
Back to how I ended up here. I used to write as a teenager and enjoy it. I seem to have lost the ability to write or indeed do anything creative. I need to tap into the "real" me again.
I lost part of myself at 17 due to comments made by careless adults who should have known better but now at 29 it's time to love me again and stop comparing myself to other people with "perfect" lives.
I've tried numerous times over the years to get back to the real me but it proved impossible as I didn't hit rock bottom. When I first wrote in a previous blog, I was close to rock bottom. It was actually the blog and a few other things at the time that sent me sinking down. I knew when I wasn't able to write, knit, crochet or even bake successfully I was in trouble because my spirit was dark.
I am still healing and always will be healing as I've had a hard life and have to acknowledge different aspects at different times or I will become that miserable person again.
I helped myself by staying up late to get precious alone time and to breathe. I spent the first nights sitting wrapped up in my pain unable to move. I couldn't even tell my wonderful Chris what I was doing ( He will read this just like anyone who choses to read it as I can't explain it through spoken word, too much rambling, going off the point and his brain trying to find the correct responses when there is none).
From sitting in a miserable lump on the couch, I started cleaning crazily at night trying to get my house as tidy I want my brain to be. I'm slowly winning the battle of both organising my house and brain. Jobs that a month ago seemed too big are now manageable even though I am now working.
A large piece of my healing came from our back garden. It is large and overgrown and is next on our list of household jobs. In order to relieve some of the stress of what I was going through, I picked a small area and set about cleaning it throughly, removing all weeds, roots, stones, got it nice and clean. It was hard work but it made me feel so clear and free. Sometimes I worked alone, sometimes Donal (my son) was with me with his digger and own garden tools, sometimes Chris joined me. He doesn't know this but in those days I loved him almost as much as when as our son was born. He's my everything and when I'm receptive to him I can feel his love around me like a blanket but I'm not good at being receptive.
I truly believe a person's spirit and body are not separate and if one is unhealthy the other will also be unhealthy.
I am slowly getting my groove back I can't get knit or crochet but I can bake and cook which is a huge step in the right direction and each time I bake I feel better and happier.
I'm running out of steam so I've obviously reached the point I need to reach today. How long will it be before I need to write again, I don't know but if you are going to come on this journey with me, expect irregularity, expect things to be repeated as I am on a healing journey and this is my therapy.
Remember to take a deep breath, and enjoy life.
Love Emma
